


Uncanny Valley, Thy Name is Steve

by CaptainSteeb



Series: Steve and Bucky Try To Function [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bucky Barnes and the 21st Century, Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Gen, Humor, M/M, Multi, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Canon Compliant, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, everyone lives in the tower
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:07:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25207438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainSteeb/pseuds/CaptainSteeb
Summary: Due to their enhancements, Steve and Bucky occasionally move just a bit too fast or go a little too long without blinking.It’s downright uncanny, and it’s freaking Tony out.Or: Steve is little too superhuman for comfort.———Steve, in an attempt to stop creeping Tony out, was now holding himself unnaturally still. He wasn’t even blinking. How he figured in his little blond himbo head that that was a better alternative to the fast-forward bullshit, Tony would never understand."Stop! You look like your wax museum figure!”
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Tony Stark
Series: Steve and Bucky Try To Function [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1765621
Comments: 9
Kudos: 297





	Uncanny Valley, Thy Name is Steve

Tony whistled to himself as he pulled some leftover cholent from the communal fridge. Bucky had made the stew a couple of days ago and there was a good amount left over: He always made enough food for about a hundred people. Tony had hauled his ass out of bed at seven in the morning to get to the leftovers before Thor, who was up on the rooftop pool chatting with the titanoboa whom he referred to as his nephew.

(“This is my nephew!” Thor had said, beaming at the Avengers as he pointed at the gigantic black snake that was curled up at the bottom of the pool. “Nephew! Come say hello to my friends!”

The snake had lifted its head just above the water and…smiled at them? It showed them its rows and rows of sharp, dagger-like teeth and made a hissing sound. Steve had immediately bolted, moving so fast that Tony swore he’d turned invisible.

Steve did that sometimes.)

“Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal,” Tony sang as he dumped the stew into a saucepan to heat it up. The one time he’d tried to reheat any of Bucky’s cooking in the microwave had resulted in…well, Bucky had been insulted and Tony had needed to remodel the kitchen afterward.

Tony was a genius. He could take a hint.

Leaning on the counter, he grabbed whatever electronic was closest—an electric can opener—and began to play around with it, wondering if there was a market for StarkSmart Can Openers, when a sudden gust of wind caught his attention. He glanced up and saw Steve approaching the kitchen, wearing one of his ridiculous Under Armor shirts and a pair of American-flag printed running shorts.

“You look like a douchebag,” Tony blurted without thinking. Steve shrugged.

“My PR gal—”

“Her name is Tiffany.”

(The poor young woman who was assigned to Steve and Bucky’s PR threatened to quit on a weekly basis. Tony had had to give her three bonuses in the past two months. He’d bought her a new car after Steve had strolled right into a newsroom and started yelling about vaccinating children on live TV. He’d bought her a new _apartment_ after Bucky had shown up to a public park strapped with about five different guns on his body and had claimed he was just going out to get a bagel.)

“Tiffany,” Steve corrected, “told me to _stay on brand_ after I wore those rainbow shorts last week, so I got these.” He wandered over to the fridge and began to dig around. Tony repositioned himself to get a glance at Steve’s ass, because he might be married to Pepper but he was still a red-blooded human male, and raised an eyebrow when he saw the word printed across Steve’s ass in hot pink lettering:

**BOTTOM.**

Well. Maybe Tony could give Tiffany some stock options this time. “I think Tiffany is going to have to remind you what _staying on brand_ means,” he commented.

“Don’t care.” Steve pulled a gallon of milk out of the fridge and popped the cap off, chugging it down like a complete animal. Tony resisted the urge to get a video.

“It’s the future,” Steve said, licking at his lips in-between chugs of milk, “I can wear whatever I want.”

“Sure can, sweet cheeks,” Tony said, but trailed off as he watched the milk—which had been full just a moment ago—disappear down Stave’s throat at a pace so fast it looked like a magic trick. Steve pulled the milk away with just a bit left at the bottom, snapped the lid back on, and shoved it back into the fridge.

Oh, so it was _Steve_ who kept doing that.

“Hey, is that Buck’s cholent?” Steve asked excitedly, the only warning before he teleported next to Tony to peer into the pot.

“What the hell!” Tony exclaimed, jerking back, a hand on his chest. “Don’t…Don’t _do_ that!”

Steve grabbed a wooden spoon and gave the stew a stir, scooping out a potato and slurping it down. “Do what?” he asked, mouth full.

“The—the fast moving teleporting super-soldier bullshit!”

Steve, still chowing down on his potato, frowned over at Tony. “Huh?”

Tony was about to explain when Steve went back in for another potato, still doing the unnaturally-fast thing that made him look like a stop-motion video playing at double speed. It was _so fucking uncanny_ that Tony blinked down at his own feet for a few moments to reassure himself that he hadn’t stepped into the Matrix.

“ _Oh_ ,” Steve said a moment later, eyes widening. “Oh, that. Yeah, Sam says I do that after running sometimes. Moving real fast. He usually tells me to knock it off.”

“So you’re aware of it?” Tony asked. “Then stop—are you— _that’s even weirder!”_

Steve, in an attempt to stop creeping Tony out, was now holding himself unnaturally still. He wasn’t even blinking. How he figured in his little blond himbo head that that was a better alternative to the fast-forward bullshit, Tony would never understand.

“Stop! You look like your wax museum figure!”

(The Avengers had all gotten their very own wax figures at Madame Tussaud’s in London. Thor, who had viewed his figure as some sort of idolatry, took great offense and had smashed it with Mjolnir the second he’d seen it.

Natasha had stolen hers and occasionally left it around the Tower to scare and confuse Clint.

…Tony had to pay a lot of money to keep these idiots in line and out of court.)

“Oh,” Steve said, going full kicked-puppy in an instant. “Gee, Tony, I’m real sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Tony couldn’t handle the aw-shucks thing on a good day, and he sure as hell wasn’t prepared to deal with it now. He faltered for a minute, then snatched the wooden spoon out of Steve’s hand and grabbed a bowl out of the cupboard. When Steve tried to snatch up another potato, Tony smacked him on the knuckles.

“Stop it! You’ve already mind-fucked me and it’s not even eight in the morning,” Tony said, hastily scooping the stew into his bowl. Hunched over his prize, he shuffled backwards out of the kitchen and over toward the elevator, wooden spoon brandished in front of him like a sword. “You…I can’t deal with you. Stop giving me that look!”

Tony got into the elevator and, just a second before the doors shut, he swore he saw Steve’s face break out into a shit-eating grin.

The man was a menace.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos make my day brighter! :)


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